Thursday, February 23, 2012

One Moment

Today's is hard.  Finding the words.   But it's important because it's part of a self I'm discovering/exploring.   A quite unexpected part.

Last evening my dear one and I chatted, catching up on our days, current projects, and went dancing before logging and going to bed real life.

[minutes pass as I think of what to write next]

I could describe the setting...this is truly one of the most beautiful places to dance in Second Life, geographically, architecturally, and the dance animations are superb.

I could describe a sequence of events, what we talked about, the dances, the songs playing, the energy ebbs and flows leading up to my point.

But, honestly, none of that matters except to "tell a story" and right now I have little story to tell.  What's all important to me is a moment. Describe it, touch it, capture it, examine it, fuss with it, perhaps gain insight into what's going on with me.

[more minutes pass]   I'll be lucky if I can describe it.  This could be a very long day.

My attention is primarily on our words in our private chat window, I relish our smooth dance moves,  I'm happy-humming, feeling close, synchronized in his arms, dancing as "one," feeling attraction energy flow through me, around me, but this is mainly in the background as I am *almost* fully engaged with our words.

The world stops.   I can't hear the music.  I can't remember what we were talking about.  My mind is a total blank.  I can't breathe.  He has me pinned to the dance floor.  All my attention is focused on him.   All of it.  the world is poised on some balance...waiting...waiting.  I feel so exposed.  vulnerable.  helpless.  quivering.  his.  all his.   yearning, aching, offering

hello woman......

i like u in surrender...

[how does he know what I'm feeling?  somehow this one knows, he always has, or so it's seemed to me]

I've struggled to make some inane responses, mind blank, utterly tongue-tied, vibrating, resonating to him, totally open, totally open.

I can't imagine how he experiences this moment or me in this moment.   I'm so inarticulate, it's all internal, powerful emotion surging through me, like turbulent waters crashing down mountain ravines with winter's thaw.  In real life he would have heard my gasp, seen my eyes open, mesmerized, drowning in his. he would feel the hush, the quivering, the waiting, held breath, the slight arching of my mouth upwards to his, the subtle invitation of my neck, breasts, my groin reaching up ...

but in second life, private chat window banalities...

and then... the moment is over...back to dancing...his choice because I'm still paralyzed...a few seconds after the animation change, I start breathing again, my head begins to clear, and soon we're talking again, and now for me the thrumming sounds strong, insistent, less in the background.

It's taken four hours to write this much, interspersed with real life phone calls and errands.   Time to wrap up.

woman...surrender

These words are key.  This one has an uncanny knack of using words, intonations that strike deep chords in me.

The woman I am in Second Life (with him) seems different than the one I am in real life.  Significantly.  Alien somehow.  I can't think of a time when I consciously experienced myself surrendering to another person, and liking, wanting it.  Yet, I can't imagine being any other way with this dear one.

I suspect of all the things I've thought about because of my virtual experiences, this may be the most enlightening, most significant.

Perhaps future entries will explore my real life coming of age choices versus those made in second life.  But not this entry.  

Suffice it to say, last night when I nestled my head on my pillow, wrapping cozy micro-fleece sheet and down comforter around me, I also snuggled into this moment and welcomed my dreams.

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